Never Stop Dreaming

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instagram: marcos.pacheco

ever since I was around 13 I’ve been constantly struggling to be happy. every time I’ve ever found something that made me happy or might have made me happy I either drove it away or it got taken from me. my mental disorders haven’t helped either. I fucking hate this. I have these days where I just want to kill myself because it feels like I’ll never actually be happy. I feel like there’s no point in trying anymore because every single time I’m happy, it only lasts for a short time. I don’t want to have to try to be happy anymore; I just want to be happy. I always just tell myself that one day I’ll find happiness when I get like this but I don’t want to wait for one day anymore. I just want it to happen already. I get these knots in my throat that make me want to just scream because I feel that’s the only way I’ll feel better. I’m just so sick of myself and my mental disorders and it would be better if I was dead because I wouldn’t feel this way anymore. I just want this to stop.

there was a kid here at the beach that was parked next to me just now who was laying on the hood of his car alone smoking and doing stuff on his phone. kind of like what I do to relax. it makes me wonder; is he sad about something? is something bothering him? is he going through something rough? or is he just trying to relax like I am? i got this feeling that I should ask but at the same time if something wasn’t wrong or anything and he was just chilling, that would have been awkward. but idk sometimes it helps that person a lot for someone to notice something’s up and to ask if they’re okay.

every single time I get the courage to actually try, to actually try and go get what I want, to actually pursue something with everything I have, I just get let down.

it sucks that I can’t take you out on official dates and that I can’t get to know you the way I want to. you run through my mind far too often for me to just forget about it.

“I want to go places with you; obscure little places, just to be able to say: here I came with her.

Anaïs Nin, from Ladders To Fire  (via hefuckin)


Movement. by Crusade. on Flickr.

I don’t like that rule that best friends have where its like if you dated someone then your friend can’t date that same person ever since you dated them. like wtf don’t you think that if they were actually your friend that they wouldn’t care who you dated just as long as they made you happy? and it was so long ago like get over it now please.

tonight was the best night of my existence so far and its even cooler that it happened by accident. I found out last minute (like standing in line to get in last minute) that the concert that I was going to with my friend was more of a little rave than it was a concert. we were standing in line and I saw all these girls in their rave outfits and I was really kind of nervous because it was an environment I’ve never been in before. I was skeptical but I was also open minded about it. the first hour or so was kind of awkward for me because it wasn’t what I expected but by around the second hour I said “you know what fuck it. what do I have to lose? its worse for me if I keep to myself tonight” and so I got out there and started dancing. it was the most uplifting experience. i didn’t even know I was able to dance like that. it was such an amazing feeling being surrounded by people who wanted the same thing I did; they just wanted to have some fun. I was sweating and dancing and vibing with complete strangers and no one judged anybody at all. everyone was so friendly and accepting and it was amazing. I can’t tell you how many people I accidentally punched while I was raging and all they said was sorry. they said sorry to me when I punched them. and when I said “no man I’m sorry” they just replied back with nah you were dancing its my bad. like what the fuck no one else ever says shit like that. I got to talk with so many different people and had so many unforgettable moments all within one night and I won’t ever forget this night. it was an amazing experience to feel accepted by complete strangers who were also incredibly friendly. god damn I’ve never had a night this good. no I’ve never had a day this good. all of it was great. anyways, its 5 am and I should sleep. but damn I need to go out like this more often.



mist and meadows and mt. rainier by manyfires on Flickr.


being told you’re appreciated is one of the simplest yet incredibly uplifting things you can ever hear