ever since I was around 13 I’ve been constantly struggling to be happy. every time I’ve ever found something that made me happy or might have made me happy I either drove it away or it got taken from me. my mental disorders haven’t helped either. I fucking hate this. I have these days where I just want to kill myself because it feels like I’ll never actually be happy. I feel like there’s no point in trying anymore because every single time I’m happy, it only lasts for a short time. I don’t want to have to try to be happy anymore; I just want to be happy. I always just tell myself that one day I’ll find happiness when I get like this but I don’t want to wait for one day anymore. I just want it to happen already. I get these knots in my throat that make me want to just scream because I feel that’s the only way I’ll feel better. I’m just so sick of myself and my mental disorders and it would be better if I was dead because I wouldn’t feel this way anymore. I just want this to stop.
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